It's Good to be Random
Story told at 14:27 // 0 person(s) left violent reaction(s). i'm just so bored that's why i'm doing this. sharing my random thoughts.

since i turned on this computer [that was around 12 noon], i've been playing Hilera's Pilit, Silent Sanctuary's Ikaw Lamang and Richard Marx's Now and Forever for a couple of times already. if you don't know, these songs were played to me by someone from the past. honestly, i miss him. i miss the way he talked to me. the way he said he missed me. the way he said "i love you". the way he sang and played his guitar for me. the way he slept too late just to talk to me. the way he teased me... i miss who i thought he was. :(

i enjoy having a conversation with steph. i'm learning a lot of things. at the same time, i'm being able to express my thoughts with her, unlike with other people [promise steph, baka isipin mo dahil alam kong binabasa mo to e kaya nilagay ko to, haha]. although medyo me mga bagay pa rin ako hindi maiopen sa kanya. of course, we don't always say everything to somebody. sometimes, it's better kung ikaw lang, sarili mo lang ang makakaalam, tama?

about the homily last night... i enjoyed the mass because the priest was not an Indian. he was a Filipino. a pure Filipino. although i could understand English, i prefer to listen to Tagalog mass because i feel like i'm learning more. aun... the homily was all about being thankful for everything. including your family, friends, even the people just around you, experiences, etc. he used as an example ung experience ng kakilala nya na naholdap. usually daw pag babae ang naholdap, nagsisigaw ng "Magnanakaw! Magnanakaw!" [ibahin nyo ko]. pero ung babaeng un daw, she even thanked God because at least, only her bag was taken away, not her life. o di ba, mega optimistic sya. what i learned is, just always look at the brighter side of everything, because if you will always focus on the darker side, wala talagang mangyayare. ^^

i'm hoping that i won't fail in my two major subjects: OS and File Org. being a third year CS student, i should be able to pass all my CS classes para maging regular next sem. pero in my case, medyo delikado ako. pero i know it's my fault naman kaya ako ganito. sobrang nagiguilty ako because i know i never did my best in everything. maybe i exrted effort, but not my real best. siguro because of laziness and my sense of "cramming". i love those things. >_< lagi na lang ako nagka-cram sa lahat ng bagay. kaya walang magandang outcome. if only i studied hard.. if only i did my best.. hay. this saying is very applicable to my situation now: "Nasa huli ang pagsisisi..."

i want to go shopping... clothes, bags, shoes, slippers, wallets, accessories, everything! pero how can i go? got no money... >_< haha. that's why gustong-gusto ko magkaron ng source of income other than my daily allowance. i'm not actually business-minded pero minsan naiisip ko rin kung magbusiness kaya ako. like having a garage sale. haha. kaso lagi na lang ako inuunahan ng thought na baka walang bumili. awts. naisip rin namin ni inah na magbenta ng clothes for cheaper prices. ako lang ang hinihintay nya. hindi naman ako makasagot. hay.

i've been starting to think of what to write para sa entry ko sa USTetika literary contest. i will really join the contest no matter what it takes. i love writing. although i don't write poems like William Shakespeare, i write stories which i know people can get lessons from. mababaw kung minsan pero you'll eventually learn.

my 19th birthday's very fast approaching. i am not sure if many people will remember, pero still i hope. kahit ung close friends ko maalala man lang. sobrang hypocrite ko naman kung sasabihin kong hindi ako magtatampo kung di nila ako babatiin. hehe. wala lang. i just want to know my worth. haha. so weird, pero di ko alam. sinabihan na ko ni sir odchi about it. i should not let other people see my worth daw. pero feeling ko kase invisible ako kung di ko gagawin un... :(

if i would be given the chance to change something in me, what would it be? first would be my pessimistic attitude. i have missed a lot of opportunities in life because of this attitude of mine. on my 17th birthday, a guy from Hong Kong asked me to be his model [siya bahala sa lahat], pero i resisted because feeling ko wala akong "K" maging model. another was my highschool teacher's offer. he asked to be his model of trend classic international. with my sense of stupidity, i resisted for the second time, third time, fourth time. maraming gusto maging model pero ako, nasa mga kamay ko na, hindi ko pa rin ginagrab. just because i always thought na hindi ko kaya... >_< and second is my being a saint. for always considering what other people might say, for being too conscious about my reputation rather than my character. this is why i am not happy now. hindi ko magawa lahat ng gusto ko gawin dahil baka masira ang tingin ng tao sakin. i cannot enjoy my life dahil lagi na lang may mga matang nakabantay sakin. i want these two to be changed because if i will bring this attitudes til death, walang mangyayare sa buhay ko. i will always follow other people's shadows. and i will never be happy...

i'm posting these things for you to learn from it. ayokong magaya kayo sakin. i may look strong on the outside pero i am really weak. gusto ko you'll be able to express what you really feel and not keep it within yourself. ganun kase ako. and i don't think if i could still change it. feeling ko kase sarili ko lang ang nakakaintindi sakin. pero i guess it's better if you have someone to talk to about these things.

wala lang. :D

Labels: random